There are hella people who have unfortunately been washed away by the sands of time. I am here to highlight their accomplishments so that our society realizes the magnitude of their impact on my life.
Important dood #1: The mother fucker who discovered smoking weed. Lets be real for a minute; how would you know smoking weed gets you high if no one's ever done it before? Did this fool go around smoking all sorts of plants until he smoked weed? What if he smoked poison ivy first? Would he become gay or some weird shit? Granted, marijuana's smell is potent, suggesting that when burned, it would release a strong aroma (and weed does smell like heaven). Point being, this important guy serendipidously stumbled upon the greatest thing in my life aside from masturbation.
Important dood #2: The guy/girl who invented masturbation. When I first learned of this, I found it so enjoyable that my penis maturbated itself. What else is there to say? The only negative effect caused by over-masturbating is good ol' crooked dick. Trust me, no man wants this. Consequences may be severe when exposed during sex with someone(s) else.
Important dood #3: The fool who discovered water. I drink it all the time.
Important dood #$: The inventor of money. I bet this guy/girl has a lot.
Important dood #5: The first pillow user. How the FUCK did people sleep before this? Unless they were shit-faced, they must have been the worst sleepers in the history of sleep. I use four pillows. This guy/girl gets a solid white-guy-thumbs-up. I bet he/she was white.
Important dood #6" Mr. Nobel. This fool gets to have his award given to smart people who do important shit. He must make billions. I don't know how he tricked people into believing that an award with his name on it was so important, but he definitely succeeded. I'm not completely sure what that means, but it's definitely been an inspiration for me.
Important dood "7: The first person to create a bagel (this includes cream cheese, lox, onions). I'll probably get ridiculed by all my Chinese friends for saying this, but bagels are fucking bomb-ass-diggity. On par with home-made cookies?
Important dood #8: The creator of Hollywood. Is there anything more entertaining than watching these glamorous people live their lives? Every time I have self-confidence issues, I pop in an episode of The Hills and realize how I'm really not all that bad of a person after all.
Important dood #9: The inventor of old asian ladies. This person was a mother fucking genius. Fact 1: They always tell mysterious and ambiguous fortunes that always end up coming true one way or another. Fact 2: They always have hot ass daughters. They're always in some small little shop in some small alley located next to prostitutes and drug dealers. For some reason they always have a hot-ass daughter working with them in that shady=ass spot. Fact #3 They are always cleaning up my bottles and cans after I get shit-faced the night before.
Important dood #10: The guy who invented dogs. I love dogs. I wish this person had made it so they didn't piss or shit though. I hate cleaning up after dogs. If my dog didn't shit or piss, it'd probably be the best dog in all the land. I would also make it so he lived as long as me and ate my trash instead of food.
Worst dood #1: Whoever invented work. Fuck them.