Thursday, November 5, 2009

Forgotten tight ass inventors/discoveries

There are hella people who have unfortunately been washed away by the sands of time. I am here to highlight their accomplishments so that our society realizes the magnitude of their impact on my life.

Important dood #1: The mother fucker who discovered smoking weed. Lets be real for a minute; how would you know smoking weed gets you high if no one's ever done it before? Did this fool go around smoking all sorts of plants until he smoked weed? What if he smoked poison ivy first? Would he become gay or some weird shit? Granted, marijuana's smell is potent, suggesting that when burned, it would release a strong aroma (and weed does smell like heaven). Point being, this important guy serendipidously stumbled upon the greatest thing in my life aside from masturbation.

Important dood #2: The guy/girl who invented masturbation. When I first learned of this, I found it so enjoyable that my penis maturbated itself. What else is there to say? The only negative effect caused by over-masturbating is good ol' crooked dick. Trust me, no man wants this. Consequences may be severe when exposed during sex with someone(s) else.

Important dood #3: The fool who discovered water. I drink it all the time.

Important dood #$: The inventor of money. I bet this guy/girl has a lot.

Important dood #5: The first pillow user. How the FUCK did people sleep before this? Unless they were shit-faced, they must have been the worst sleepers in the history of sleep. I use four pillows. This guy/girl gets a solid white-guy-thumbs-up. I bet he/she was white.

Important dood #6" Mr. Nobel. This fool gets to have his award given to smart people who do important shit. He must make billions. I don't know how he tricked people into believing that an award with his name on it was so important, but he definitely succeeded. I'm not completely sure what that means, but it's definitely been an inspiration for me.

Important dood "7: The first person to create a bagel (this includes cream cheese, lox, onions). I'll probably get ridiculed by all my Chinese friends for saying this, but bagels are fucking bomb-ass-diggity. On par with home-made cookies?

Important dood #8: The creator of Hollywood. Is there anything more entertaining than watching these glamorous people live their lives? Every time I have self-confidence issues, I pop in an episode of The Hills and realize how I'm really not all that bad of a person after all.

Important dood #9: The inventor of old asian ladies. This person was a mother fucking genius. Fact 1: They always tell mysterious and ambiguous fortunes that always end up coming true one way or another. Fact 2: They always have hot ass daughters. They're always in some small little shop in some small alley located next to prostitutes and drug dealers. For some reason they always have a hot-ass daughter working with them in that shady=ass spot. Fact #3 They are always cleaning up my bottles and cans after I get shit-faced the night before.

Important dood #10: The guy who invented dogs. I love dogs. I wish this person had made it so they didn't piss or shit though. I hate cleaning up after dogs. If my dog didn't shit or piss, it'd probably be the best dog in all the land. I would also make it so he lived as long as me and ate my trash instead of food.

Worst dood #1: Whoever invented work. Fuck them.

1 comment:

  1. 1: Weed carnivores date back to third millenium B.C. So, as history tells us, long long long time ago isnt before Christ, but BEFORE CHRONIC. Even Shakespeare, a noted palywright who is known in some circles, is famous for having wrote "noted weed" in sonnet 27, as well as 73.
    2: Masturbation has been routinely practiced since before the dawn of man kind. Refer to Bonobo chimpanzees if you dont believe me, these Bonobons share 98% of our DNA. As refernced in the pyramids, Egyptians celebrated masturbation as the process in which Atum, the sun god, created Adam and Eve, or as Asians might know them, Shu and Tefnut. Further along in history, you may remember, the Sumerians, yes the same Sumerians who invented first western language, make refernce to the mestopoamian god Enki masturbating and his jizzum filling the Tigris river with flowing water.
    3. In a 2001 survey, the World Wildlife Fund estimated that people all over the world drank about 89 billion liters of bottled water a year. You are not alone!
    4. As you may figure, money began from bartering, one supplying needs for another need, say, modern day prostitution. In the past salt, tea, tabacco, cattle could all get you a finger in your tush.
    5. Egyptians would bury there dead with wood pillows, idiots. I guess they figured they'd be more comfortable in the after life, they soon find out once you're're dead, now you're just some old egyptian burried with a coupla necklaces and a cat. And a wood pillow. Ah, but to be in early Rome, where, you will remember, they had flowing aqueductes (see 3.), where they used pillows out of reed and straw. You will note here that some of my hottest fantasies are of those fucking a hot farmgirl, with cute freckles, pigtails, and gigantic hooters, short jean skirt, cowboy hat, boots, spurs, in a bushel...
    6. (See 4.) If you win this prestigious award, you will be award $115,000 and up! Go for it! But hydrate! (See. 3)
    7. An Austrian baker created a stirrup or "beugal" made out of dough for the King of Poland in 1683 (cream cheese didnt come until 1880)
    8. Hollywood was named for it was a town covered in California Hollies, and every spring would bare red berries. WOW-LOOK UP HOLLYWOOD ON WIKIPEDIA. AFTER THE FIRST PARAGRAPH IN HISTORY IT SAYS RISHI IS GAY. HILARIOUS. Hollywood is for queers.
    9. Excuse the pun, but, Asians never get old. (Motherfucker, they get the oldest, those long white motherfuckin beards and shit)Pipe smoking ritualistic asians.
    10. God?

    Funny expose sir.