Thursday, November 5, 2009

adonai, please forgive me

Oh, do I have a mother fucking rant to get off my midnight-black-haired-jewy-chest. There is only one way to articulate the entirety of emotions running through my body on this particular subject, which I will call "intolerence of one's own racial stereotypes." I believe Hitler summarized my feelings most accurately in his widely acclaimed novel, Mein Kampf when he boasted the words "fuckin Jews" (which, since then, have been repeated an estimated 23,094,582,390,485,720,349.5 times, further validating the impact these prolific words have had on our culture as well as proving the cultural awareness that has exponentially spread through our society since the words were uttered). Maybe I'm being harsh, perhaps a little contrite, possibly even slightly bigoted, but whatever, at least I'm not black. My relatives tell me I'm being a "self-afflicting-Jew," a walking hypocrite, kosher shellfish, etc., but I mean, c'mon, any race known for hoarding money and gefilte fish deserves ridicule. Actually, while I'm on the subject, doesn't the stereotypcial Jew kinda seem like a Middle-Earth species? One that lives is the mountain caves, is really hairy, loves bright objects, speaks in some weird dialect and isn't taller than 5'6''? Just something to mull over.

To clarify the source of all this racial intolerance, I will take you on a journey to understand the Jewish psyche. This has been only done a limited amount of times and never to this degree of such unbiased truth. The story starts with a wonderful employment opportunity at the lavish Ristorante Pasta Pomodoro, which immediately filled my insatiable quench for self-satisfaction and unknown adventure (sometimes I'd get a tip, and sometimes I wouldn't! Holy shit!). I had reached my life goal of working at Mcpasta, I mean Pasta Pomodoro at such an early age. My mind was blown with each passing second. Meanwhile, I had been saving up for the "trip of a life time," which would include visits to Southern Europe, Northern Africa and the Middle East (basically traveling around the Mediterranean) and learned that Jews offer free trips to Israel for all Jews (sucks for Jews who already live in Israel!!). Being Jewish and all, I thought, "lucky me," my people have jewed the world once again, consequently allowing me to reap all the rewards of a luxurious trip to the exotic land of Israel. I love it when Jews take advantage of the world and I benefit from their actions. In fact, Jews, made props to you for hookin it up with tight shit like matzah ball soup, decorated yamakas and the control of the media. However; it quickly became very apparent that I had gotten a bit ahead of myself in this quest for cultural (vagina) awareness in the Mediterranean. I was rejected from Israel Birthright. I'm no doctor (or lawyer, or banker and maybe thats why I was rejected), but "Birthright" is in the title of the program. Not that I would want to feel entitled... but I mean, fuck! I'm a Jew. Give me, give me, give me. Their reason for rejection? Limited funds. Sounds Jewy to me.

In summary, I got jewed by Jews despite being a Jew. Sorry mom.

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